Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
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I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
you're hired as official boob wrangler
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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