i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
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