I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
