i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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