Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
the day after is always just damage control
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
