Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
i think i just naturally attract stoners
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
