Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
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