My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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