living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
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