im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
