I cockslap morals
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
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All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
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Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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