dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
