apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Randomize
