I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
