the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Randomize
