dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
