I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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