It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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