I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
