I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
My ATM looks so different sober.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
