John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
