There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
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The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
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It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?