So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
