While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
