so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
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25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.