I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Still dying that you shit outside
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Randomize
