foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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