I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
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