awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
I did not marry a roomba.
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