6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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