Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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