No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
