Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Randomize
