DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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