theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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