I will die if light touches me.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
how do flat chested girls get laid?
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
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