How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
