went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
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