Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
