Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Randomize
