stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
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