Your face is a jimmy john
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Randomize
