Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
