Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
