I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
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I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
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