i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
