my vag is so smooth its legendary
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
