i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
