Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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