no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Randomize
