my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
