I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
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