Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
