I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
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Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
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Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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