you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
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