I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Randomize
