So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
