I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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