I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Randomize
